لـعـلـه آخـر رمـضـآن...

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مبارك عليكم الشهر و عساكم من عواده
ربِ ادخل شهر رمضان علينا وانت راضٍ عنا واجعله شهر تتبدل فيه ذنوبنا الى حسنات وهمومنا الى افراح واحلامنا الى واقع ورضـاك عنا اكبر آمالنا

PinkiYa's B-Day

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On saturday we celebrated the birthday of our beloved PinkiYa, we really had fun & enjoyed our time
lunch, movie, & then the celebration =]
 PinkiYa, I love you sweetie, Allah y5aleech li wala ya7remni mnech


I'll leave U with Pics =p


lunch in Fridays


I like the decoration
this guy is smiling for the Pic wala ana yethya2li?


You want B-Day girl opinion? You got it


@ chocolate bar


Happy B-Day Pinkya =*

Ambaih

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I've been so eager to bake sth lately, so yesterday I decided I'll bake a chocolate cheese cake, so more than abt half way through I felt a bit tired, never had this feeling b4, then my head was spinning,  I sat 4 a while, took a sip of water hoping everything will go back to normal.. Then I nearly fainted.. looked as yellow as a lemon, & my BP was 82/55.. Ambaaaaaaih 55 diastolic, I can't believe it, I've compromised my heart, my poor lil heart =[ stupid me all bcuz I don't eat enough, Bro wanted to take me to hospital but I refused, so mum forced me to eat & eat & eat then everything went back to normal el7emdella
So, I'm gonna eat, & eat & eat even if I don't feel like it

I've also started taking Omega 3 again, cuz last time I took them everything was fine, so I want things 2 B FINE =p I'm nearly done reading the book, 200 pages or less left & I don't recommend it & I won't lend it to any friend lol, not that it's not good, but OMG!! it has so much x-rated stuff, I was abt to stop reading it when I realized I'm more than half way through it, so decided I would finish reading it & skip the parts that R supposed to B censored


off the subject, I've got a wedding this 3eed, a7es weird, I don't want to spend my 3eed in the beauty salon, wai3.. grooming & getting ready just to look good enough to please ppl =S
I can't skip this one, I don't have a good excuse & it's my cousin's so really can't skip, gotta go =[ I'll try to be a lady, bs wallah if I hear any stupid comment it might be the last wedding I attend, don't you guys hate the sorta comments when this lady who happens to know your mum & aunties come over to say hi & then showers you with a million kiss *waaai3* & then she goes like "Bentech?" & when your mum says Yes she goes like "Wallah 5osh entaj" & does the thumbs up sign & winks... Ambaaaaih o_O trra I'm a human being, y3ni this is supposed to be a compliment mathalan?? I felt pretty much like go6i pepsi..
PPL don't compliment me, o.k? I don't take compliments.


Planning PinkiYa's B-Day this weekend, should be lotsa fun, I love this girl, she's such a sweetheart, one of a kind.. Allah y5aleeha li, I can tell her everything & she'll listen & listen.. Gosh I love her

Now that I'm done talking let me show you a glimpse of my cake.. Frankly, 1st I thought it must be a total failure as I was very dizzy when I made it, ironically, it turned out to be better than the ones I've backed when I was all sound & fine lol


tshaweg mo?
who wants a piece?






these are supposed to keep me strong =]


....


btw, do you guys like the new layout? 

Recovery plan

2 التعليقات
Yes, I'm recovering believe it or not
I feel better, I'm putting it all behind my back, there's not much I can do abt it right now. So, I choose to 4get all abt it, start fresh. I managed to "shut up" that sound at the back of my head that kept on telling me that I simply wasn't good enough. I'm MORE than good, I'm great, one of a kind & nothing will take me down. I've just lost a battle & I've got a war to win =D
I'm not sad anymore, yes I didn't get what I want, but this means that Allah has got a better plan 4 me, mayB sth bigger, sth better
إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْراً

I'm still trying to avoid ppl, I'm not letting others know that this is the plan but somehow Dad seems to read my mind very very well, he' goes like "let's go out, don't you wanna go out, go out see ppl, don't lock ur self up" every 5 minutes =s I don't want to c ppl I don't.. I'm not a ppl person I've never been & now I'm growing to stay away form them. To please Dad & convince him that I'm o.k I started going out, a LOT. I don't want him to worry abt me when I'm totally fine & adjusting, I want him to let the worrying 4 me =p it's my thing, my job =]

I have lots of books to read, currently reading "This Charming Man" it's good, not so very good like I would get hooked up on it & never wanna stop reading it, but it's good, has some x-rated pages which I hated, skipped 'em other than that it's all good. So, now that've cancelled everything I've planned 4 the summer, I'm trying to set up a new plan, I think I wanna join a gym, I need to build up my body, put on some weight mayB. Gonna get a new hair cut, going for the extreme this time =D

lots of bloggers have stopped blogging others moved to new blogs, & some started fresh with a new blog & R trying to stay anonymous. Tell you a secret =p I myself thought of having a new blog, where I'll rant & rant & B anonymous, but then when I thought abt it, I thought it wasn't a good idea, I can't abandon my blog, I love it way too much & even if I had a new blog then those who know me WILL know me, I am the same person after all, so I decided not to precede with that. Part of the reason that made me think abt that was the fact that my friends know abt my blog, they know it's me, & I don't want to have them sorry abt me every time I write one of those dark depressing posts, I sometimes think they wouldn't approve of what I would say abt sth & I can't handle their reaction, But now I don't care, I really don't I'm sick of talking the way ppl want me 2 talk, doing things just to please them, this is my blog & I'll say everything I wanna say they way I wanna say it & if they don't like it then it's their problem

PiCs, PiCs, & more PiCs =p

done with this

Bunch of books to read =]

currently reading

BIG FAT LIAR

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I've tried posting so bad, everyday I write a few words & then I find myself out of words ='[ so apart me for this post, maybe a lil bit not like me, jumping from one thing to another, but it's just bcuz I simply am not fine ='[


BIG FAT LIAR

Yes, that's ME. I confess I'm a big fat liar. Because every time some1 asks "How are you" I LIE. I say I'm great, all good but this is not the truth. I lie, I'm not good, & everything isn't perfect. I've been under enormous   amount of stress lately, nobody knows, I can just draw a big fake smile, wear some khel & everything would look just perfect & I say I'm fine, only I'm not, some how I managed the pressure & all that stress, I was handling it well, some things were good, they were RIGHT, other's were totally off, but at the end it all went wrong in a totally unbelievable way

I'm aaaaaaaaaaah , I'm...... I'm in pain
I'm suffering & I know, I juts know deep in my heart that nobody knows how it feels, this ugly painful feeling. I believe that nobody will ever understand, nobody. It's just awful, it feels like my heart, that lil muscular organ that's supposed to be the secret of my life, is burning, & it HURTS so bad
Life is hitting me, hitting me hard =[ I'm still fighting & what I hate the most is those fears of mine, the things I fear keep on happening one thing after another & it's just breaking my heart.. life is just not fair to me, just not fair.. I've been through a lot lately, so very tough time, lots of stress &  I was holding on, handeling it well, but then one thing on top of the other & I just can't can't take it.. not when it comes to these things

Dad is trying his best to let my mind off this thing but I just can't I told him u know more than anyone who I am & what I'm like & when it comes to this then things are out of my control & the river of tears just flows & I can't stop crying I just can't.. I can't not cry, especially when I feel like this.. I'll do the thing I've always done since I was a child, I'll look at him with tearful eyes, so speechless, with my trembling lips & I'll cry my heart out once you say what's wrong? he'll keep on asking what's wrong what's wrong, & I wanna scream it out, but I only can't, cuz when I cry I can't barely breath, I suffocate & I can't speak ='[
I played tricks on Dad, made him go & then cried my heart out, but he knew, he knew & I couldn't hide it, he saw it in my eyes, the pain, the bitter sorrow
usually, I blame myself, I'm always so harsh on myself & now I hate it I just hate it & 4 the 1st time in my life I've got nothing to blame myself 4 ='[ It's usually the guilt that kills me, but this time I wonder what am I guilty of? Being such a good person? working hard? deserving it? wanting it so bad?

I know, I KNOW I am a good person & I don't deserve all these things to happen to me, I really don't.. this hurts even more than when it'a all my fault, if it's my fault then I can take it, bs this I can't, I deserve better.
I needed to talk to some1, some1 who wouldn't judge me & I did.. felt much better, but still there's this sadness, I'm sad, I'm not so angry, I'm just sad & I don't think I can recover from this ='[

I'm mentally, emotionally, & physically tried. Every part of my body clicks, my hair is falling, no volume anymore, ppl telling me you look so thin, & although I looked @ myself in the mirror everyday, I only noticed how scary I now look, just did a week ago... Do u know what I said back then? "I hope it's all worth it" & now I dunno if it was ='[ at one crazy moment I thought Y not give up? I could very easily do that, but I can't, won't.. I'm not a loser I'm not a quitter, I'll stay undefeated, nothing will take me down, I've got a soul of a fighter & I'll get what I want, I WILL.. Not giving up anytime soon

now I'm hating everything, I don't want to be around ppl, they keep on hurting me. Cancelling everything I had planned 4 the summer, I wanna re-evaluate the situation, re-evaluate everything, try 2 c the big pic, try to find out what's wrong

I'm fighting this, I'm fighting it with all that I am & now one will break my spirit, nobody
 I have faith that things will get better, I'll pray for things to get better & I've never asked Allah & got turned down, I have faith in Allah 
I shall stay strong,  I shall stay strong

& one more thing at the end of this long post
الحمد لله ، الف الحمد لله على كل حال