BIG FAT LIAR

I've tried posting so bad, everyday I write a few words & then I find myself out of words ='[ so apart me for this post, maybe a lil bit not like me, jumping from one thing to another, but it's just bcuz I simply am not fine ='[


BIG FAT LIAR

Yes, that's ME. I confess I'm a big fat liar. Because every time some1 asks "How are you" I LIE. I say I'm great, all good but this is not the truth. I lie, I'm not good, & everything isn't perfect. I've been under enormous   amount of stress lately, nobody knows, I can just draw a big fake smile, wear some khel & everything would look just perfect & I say I'm fine, only I'm not, some how I managed the pressure & all that stress, I was handling it well, some things were good, they were RIGHT, other's were totally off, but at the end it all went wrong in a totally unbelievable way

I'm aaaaaaaaaaah , I'm...... I'm in pain
I'm suffering & I know, I juts know deep in my heart that nobody knows how it feels, this ugly painful feeling. I believe that nobody will ever understand, nobody. It's just awful, it feels like my heart, that lil muscular organ that's supposed to be the secret of my life, is burning, & it HURTS so bad
Life is hitting me, hitting me hard =[ I'm still fighting & what I hate the most is those fears of mine, the things I fear keep on happening one thing after another & it's just breaking my heart.. life is just not fair to me, just not fair.. I've been through a lot lately, so very tough time, lots of stress &  I was holding on, handeling it well, but then one thing on top of the other & I just can't can't take it.. not when it comes to these things

Dad is trying his best to let my mind off this thing but I just can't I told him u know more than anyone who I am & what I'm like & when it comes to this then things are out of my control & the river of tears just flows & I can't stop crying I just can't.. I can't not cry, especially when I feel like this.. I'll do the thing I've always done since I was a child, I'll look at him with tearful eyes, so speechless, with my trembling lips & I'll cry my heart out once you say what's wrong? he'll keep on asking what's wrong what's wrong, & I wanna scream it out, but I only can't, cuz when I cry I can't barely breath, I suffocate & I can't speak ='[
I played tricks on Dad, made him go & then cried my heart out, but he knew, he knew & I couldn't hide it, he saw it in my eyes, the pain, the bitter sorrow
usually, I blame myself, I'm always so harsh on myself & now I hate it I just hate it & 4 the 1st time in my life I've got nothing to blame myself 4 ='[ It's usually the guilt that kills me, but this time I wonder what am I guilty of? Being such a good person? working hard? deserving it? wanting it so bad?

I know, I KNOW I am a good person & I don't deserve all these things to happen to me, I really don't.. this hurts even more than when it'a all my fault, if it's my fault then I can take it, bs this I can't, I deserve better.
I needed to talk to some1, some1 who wouldn't judge me & I did.. felt much better, but still there's this sadness, I'm sad, I'm not so angry, I'm just sad & I don't think I can recover from this ='[

I'm mentally, emotionally, & physically tried. Every part of my body clicks, my hair is falling, no volume anymore, ppl telling me you look so thin, & although I looked @ myself in the mirror everyday, I only noticed how scary I now look, just did a week ago... Do u know what I said back then? "I hope it's all worth it" & now I dunno if it was ='[ at one crazy moment I thought Y not give up? I could very easily do that, but I can't, won't.. I'm not a loser I'm not a quitter, I'll stay undefeated, nothing will take me down, I've got a soul of a fighter & I'll get what I want, I WILL.. Not giving up anytime soon

now I'm hating everything, I don't want to be around ppl, they keep on hurting me. Cancelling everything I had planned 4 the summer, I wanna re-evaluate the situation, re-evaluate everything, try 2 c the big pic, try to find out what's wrong

I'm fighting this, I'm fighting it with all that I am & now one will break my spirit, nobody
 I have faith that things will get better, I'll pray for things to get better & I've never asked Allah & got turned down, I have faith in Allah 
I shall stay strong,  I shall stay strong

& one more thing at the end of this long post
الحمد لله ، الف الحمد لله على كل حال

11 التعليقات:

Rummy يقول...

Hope you feel better

alf al7amdillah 3ala kel 7al just repeat that and relax, it helps a lot

Ra-1 يقول...

مدام واثقة بالله سبحانه وتعالى وقاعدة تدعين له هذا كافي!
صدقيني كل شي بيصير حلو بس تعوذي من الشيطان وحاولي تطلعين من جو الحزن :*
Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day just be patient and smile :)

Slashy يقول...

I hope you'll feel better baby :(
I'm sorry you're feeling this way... if you need someone to talk to you know I'm here for you.

LOVE U!

♥●• Izdiher·•●♥ يقول...

I am so sorry to hear that . Don't take things so hard . Hope you feeling better now .

نون النساء يقول...

if u will keep feeling sad won't help to feel better..



من السهل انج تكونين حزينة لكن من الصعب أنج تحافظين على شعور السعادة يا هوب ..

اسمج هوب - يعني أمل فلازم تكونين انعكاس لإسمج ومادام دعيتي لربج فإتركي عنج كل هالأمور المُحبطة وعطي نفسج فرصة تشوف الأفضل دايماً وتركز عليه ..

غير معرف يقول...

Sis Hope

Please pray and everything will go well

Keep your smile

: )

DUBAI

Hope يقول...

Rummy

thank you darling, in fact I do feel better el7emdella
thanks a lot for your sweet words

...


Ra-1

الله يسمع منج
thanx love, I appreciate it

...


Slashy

I do, el7emdella I do
honey, ma tga9reen wallah
LOVE YOU MORE

Hope يقول...

♥●• Izdiher·•●♥

thank you very much
I really appreciate your kind words

...


نون النساء

I'm over this now el7emdella
I finally figured out why I was called Hope, it's to give me the strenght to survive those ugly moments & rough time
thanx a lot sweetheart, your words were very helpful, they really were

...

DUBAI

I will, I certainly will
thanx Sis, love you =]

♥●• Izdiher·•●♥ يقول...

welcome

Addictioneer يقول...

Hope your getting better and better with your recovery plan. I can see that you're really getting better reading your recent posts
Hope you keep fighting no matter what

A broken soul can be mended
but a broken leg
broken hand
broken neck
can't always be mended

keep fighting
and take life as simple as you can
:)

Hope يقول...

Addictioneer

Yas, I am. I feel much better el7emdellah
9a7 lsanek & I definitly will fight till the end inShalla

thank your for your lovely comment