Bye Bye 2010, Welcome 2011

6 التعليقات
I promised my next post was gonna B abt my obsession with sports, football in particular, it's actually ready in the drafts waiting for me to click the publish button but I would love to have it as my 1st post for the year so bear with me plz. now allow me to rant & talk & talk & talk, as I haven't talked much lately =p

I had some rough time bs alf el7emdellah things are getting better, I'm trying so hard to get what I want.. I'm not really getting all right now, but hopefully I'm on my way =] I'm doing all I can & it's kindda paying off, I'm just greedy I always want more =p
as usual, bcuz of exams I missed my cousin's milcha. Yes, I'm not a party kindda girl but it was my cousin's milcha, it's my cousin we're talking abt out here =@ I missed a lot, my cousins that I haven't seen for a while now & their lil kids =[ I missed the red dress & all that fun
saw one of the kids later on & gosh isn't she a sweetheart, just as pretty as her mum & even more.. I love this girl, dShat galbi.. I don't usually like baby girls but this girl is just different, nothing like others + she likes me 

I usually love this time of the year,, but this year it's different, I've been so busy to even notice hoe lovely the weather is. I celebrated my B-Day with my friends, it was an early surprise party & I was really surprised lol.. el7emdella I have a bunch of amazing friends (I love u guys =D). & then when it was my real B-Day my relatives planned me a surprise party which I skipped  lol.. mum came back home with a piece of cakes telling me all abt that, she was like "we couldn't resist the cake, but we kept u a lil piece " how funny is that? it's my B-Day cake & I only get a tiny piece =p

I now proudly announce that I haven't had fast food since the beginning of this semester, I also stopped drinking fuzzy drinks a while ago, more than 6 months now & I feel great =D so, since the beginning of our cardiology module, I started freaking out & going crazy, I went like I can't do this to my body I can't intoxicate it with this *censored* I'm eating I just can't. I'm not gonna fill my blood with that LDL *aka bad cholesterol* & block my arteries, I can't do this to my poor heart, it deserves much more than that. I know I sound like a crazy person but seriously, I don't wanna be 1 of those ppl who end up bringing diseases to themselves.. I wanna live a happy long healthy life & in order to do so, I gotta eat healthy & stay away form junk food & so on. I even don't bake colorful cakes anymore, I don't use food dye, I don't care how my cake is gonna look as long as it has healthy ingredient. what's the point of having the most beautiful cakes that tastes amazing but ends up making me sick on the long term. In our present day we are surrounded by all sorts oa carcinogens, all around us & we don't know abt it, I think the least we can do is eat healthy, that's that least we can do. Crazy, so be it =p

what else, let me see, yeah 5la9 I admit it, I'm a whiner, yes I am o kaifi.. I like to whine cuz I don't wanna keep anything inside, I just like to take it all out, all that negative energy out.. I don't want it to poison my body.. the only person who can put up with me when I start whining is Dad♥ no body else can handle me cuz I go on & on & on, & yeah I'm hard to stop.. u don't wanna get my started as I'm so picky & hard to please or satisfy.. I know ppl hate that abt me, but I don't wanna change.. I don't want to, what's the point of suppressing all that anger & dissatisfaction & keeping it all for me? I'll never stop whining =p I actually have been very hard to satisfy these past 3 years, nothing is good enough, very few things seem to satisfy me.. I don't know, is it that all of that is not worth of my satisfaction, or is it that I've become even pickier & harder to satisfy.

isn't it amazing to have some1 who understands u, gets what u're saying & doesn't think u're crazy every time u talk.. that' how it feels when I'm around one of my friends,, she so gets it.. she's bald & just amazing.. I wonder Y we weren't friend since the 1st time we knew each other, it's probably bcuz I didn't know u all that time, I never knew u were such a sweet amazing person, I never knew u for who u are, but now I know what u're like & I'm proud to have u as a friend =D
2010 wasn't so sweet & kind to me, not all the way, but like each year, it had its good & its bad & I can say that despite everything, at the end of the day, I can ,at least, say that I'm now one step closer to my goal =]

Bye bye 2010.
2011 here I come, all armed & ready to battle =p
Happy new year every one =]


Pics








went by in a blink of an eye

=[

8 التعليقات
رَب إنِّي مَسَّنِيَ الضُّرُّ وَأَنتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ

Eid & a lot more

4 التعليقات
Eid, my time of the year
yesterday was amazing, I just love family gatherings, well, not all of them.. 1st half of the day was a blast
b4 lunch we were all watching a match like we used to do awaaal. the 1st thing that caught my eyes was IOC instead of Kuwait, this is just ridiculous, I mean when will they start to move & do sth about this? how much longer do we have to wait? I myself gave up on them like what? 7 or 6 yrs ago.. believe me it wasn't easy, but I just learned to ignore all of that.. Y would I care abt sth that would always make me cry
yesterday, for the 1st time in my life & mean really the 1st time, I looked at our olympic football team squad & I barely recognized one or two of the guys.. that was shocking.. only then I realized that I've really given up on them a long time ago
this brought back all the memories, all the dreams.. I've always wanted to play in an international football match, I wanted to represent my country, I wanted to score a goal & run around the court spreading my arms like a bird does with its wings... I wanted the world to witness my glory, creativity & strenght.. I wanted to win a gold medal at an international event , where I would see my flag being raised infront of my eyes, where I could hear my international anthem being played, where I would sing, stare at the flag with a wide smile & sparkling teary eyes... I can not express in words how much I wanted this .. I wanted it so bad as a child & as a teenager.. I actually still do.. I've been thinking, just let me finish off with this meds thing & I'll work hard to persuit this dream
Some of u might find this very silly. Do I care ? Definitely not

other half of the day, so not worth talking abt.. it was just horrible
bs I'm thankful for the 1st fun part

went out & had dinner with dad yesterday, had lots of fun
Dad Allah y7afthah is affectionate 2 the extreme,, How can I not love him?

...

That match I watched on the 1st day of Eid, just brought lots of memories, took me back to the time I was so crazy abt out national team.. I really was crazy, like u wouldn't believe
I miss the girl I used to B back then, full of love & passion for the game
I remember international matches were usually held on Wednesdays, I remember going to the supermarket evey wednesday after school & buying lots of ice cream with my cousins, preparing everything for the match.. the pop corn, the ice cream, the water & everything
I still remember falling off the couch, being so anxious that my heart would beat so fast.. jumping & screaming like one crazy girl when we score, running all around the house & hugging dad so hard, screaming YES, WE SCORED =D
wanting to dye my hair blue all for the sake of the match.. wearing all blue, writing in blue every wednesday in school.. the crazy motivational personal msgs in my msn.. I miss all of that

talking abt a football match with such great passion & actually telling our music teacher, tell her about our point of view, how our players were treated unfairly, letting her get so into it, leaving the students & the class just to listen to us.. that was so crazy lol
Allaaaaaaaaaah.. I loved those days

I was one very crazy girl,, & I still am
I guess this girl inside of me just woke up =D

there will B a very funny & shocking, to some, upcoming post abt all the craziness & obsession

أضحى مـبـارك

9 التعليقات
عيدكم مبارك
و تقبل الله طاعتكم
كل عام و انتو بخير و عساكم من عواده يا رب
=]

To The Men in My Life

3 التعليقات



Uncle A

thanx 4 being there for me when I needed u most
for hugging me & wrapping me with ur amazing magical warmth when I need it most
thank u for the great talk we had.. for holding my hand & never letting go.. for patting on my head & shoulder
for calling & checking on me
thanx for opening up, letting me pour everything out from my heart to yours
thank you for loving me, for caring so much
I love u my Fav lil Uncle


Uncle M

thanx for being the one for him
for loving & believing in me
for that album u made.. for every scrap paper u've cut from the news paper & magazines.. for every picture u've kept, & every article u've got ur hands on
thanx for collecting all those precious memories ever since I started going to school & till present day
thanx for being his brother, his guider, & his soulmate
thanx for caring so much & loving him just that much

...
wallah enna m3azatkom mn m3azetah yal.'3aleen

I Love U so very much
Allah la ya7rimni menkom.. the best uncles in the world. I wouldn't have asked for better ones =D

Don't Let Go

6 التعليقات
I need u.. I need u so bad
I haven't had enough of u, & I want u
I love u... plz hold on for me, fight as hard as u can & don't let go.
I can't afford losing u.. I don't wanna lose u
I know I'm being selfish out here, but I gotta B. I want u there, around me like u've always been. I want things to be the way they always were. I wanna spend Eid with u. I wanna kiss ur hands & forehead. I wanna listen to ur funny stories & ur bits of wisdom.

I wanna feel the love & live it.. I haven't had enough.. so plz don't leave
Plz, don't die on me =[
.....

I know I'm neglecting the blog, I know I'm not being around much bs really I'm so busy, I hardly have the time to scratch my head & I have tons of things to do all at once, I even started forgetting things.. I feel like an old lady... & I hate the fact that I'm missing a lot out here,not being around much =[
but really, how am I doing? good, I guess, alf el7emdellah
I'm sortta happy, sortta satisfied.. I feel much much better, seems like things r gonna finally go my way. o it turned out my old strategy was the best, I used to tell my friends "etha e.denyah bt3anedni o bta36eeni thaharha o ma tamShi methel ma ana tabi, ra7 atelha mn ergobat.ha o amaSheeha 3adel" . that's what I'm doing right now, nothing stands in my way. I'll strive for what I want & I'll get it InShallah & nothing shall stop me =]
I've got tagged by msha3erha, a tag I said I wanted to do, but then when I started filling it, it turned out to B blank, most of it, so until I find sth to fill in those blanks =p

Later =/

aaaah

8 التعليقات
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
my word these days =p since I started school I haven't done much but complain. I miss the holiday, I miss laying down, starring at the ceiling with nothing in my head.. but really it's not that bad, I just became a whiner recently I whine all the time just like a little kid =p I know, not so good, gotta change my attitude 
Now my head is so full it could blow up any minute.. I have tons of things to do & a whole lot of other things 2 remember. On my 1st day back 2 school I was telling myself "o.k let's start fresh, yes u'll never get used to it again bs u gotta fight" ... now I actually think I got used to the school's routine, meaning I'm coping well el7emdellah =]
o I like the hospital visits. they're fun.. though tiring at times, but it feels good being a doc =p

the good news is that health wise things R much much better than the way they used to B.. getting better & actually feeling it, so alf alf el.7emdellah

I really miss photography o graphics designing.. haven't done much in these two fields 4 a while, not even in the holiday.. feels like I'm off, I know this feeling.. I had it once B4, I remember freaking out & telling Peace that I lost it.. I lost my touch, but it was just that I needed some time off, at some point this has got to happen 2 u, even if what u're doing is sth u love quite a lot
so off it is.. as long as I'm getting my touch back when it's the time =]

...

P.S. Slashy, u've been missed.. I hope u're getting better
this goes 2 u =***

Goin' Back 2 School

8 التعليقات
hello everyone,
I can't believe my summer holiday is over already.. I want more & more & much much more.. it's really not fair as my summer holiday was really short in comparison 2 everyone else's.. I'm finished last & I'm starting 1st.. aaah this med school is gonna drive me crazy... I still can't believe it.. I guess I'm just gonna go on sunday morning & see how things will go, hopefully I'll cope well & I won't B so shocked & depressed like I always do
enough abt school, a couple of days ago I went out with my cousin, we had dinner at Applebee's.. at the beginning we didn't want 2 dine there but then we had 2 & thank god we did lol
we dinned their a couple of times B4 but never liked their food. This time was different, we loved the food & fell in love with the dessert lol

I leave u with the pics
the menue

getting ready lol

loved the appetizers

ceaser salad.. loved it

cowboy burger.. not bad

some steak.. I loved the mashed potato

chicken strips

brownie with vanilla ice-cream.. LOVED it

the price is just unbelieveable.. r5eeeeeeeeeeee9 7adda

they also gave us a coupon & a brochure that we can use to fill some sorta brochure abt the service online & then we would get free dessert next time .. that's great since I fell for their desserts =D
..

later =]

My Eid

8 التعليقات
1st of All, again,
عيدكم مبارك.. عساكم من العايدين و الفايزين
و تقبل الله طاعتكم و كل عام و انتو بخير



I promised I would write a post abt Eid, sorry 4 the delay,, bs really haven't had the time 2 sit & write sth
So, how was my Eid? just great I would say.. loved it, loved every moment
 .. staying up all night starring at the ceiling in attemps 2 sleep .. e.takbeer.. the boys buzz, one looking for his mkasar the other complaining abt b5oor... the compliments dad took 4 his new look .. I loved it =D

the usually silly part of Eid was actually bearable this time.. it went just fine. The kids, of course, went crazy
taking pics, playing games, & as usual.. fighting
so, day 1 was perfect
day 2 was fun
o on day three I went out with the gals 4 lunch at lorenzo.. fortunately the place wasn't crowded.. not much ppl actually.. we had a decent lunch, then at night I went out with my aunts 4 dinner.. it was nice.. not as bad as I thought it would B

..

now that Eid is over & my summer holiday nearly over.. I'm starting 2 stress abt goin' back 2 school.. I haven't had enough from the holiday.. I'll never get enough of it.. & I hate the fact that I start school b4 everyone else =[
I hate school .. I really do hate it

....

it's time 4 some pic =P
gettin' ready =p

chicken with mushrooms & cheese.. Not Bad

Eid breakfast =]

Dessert .. simply delicious


Cacao = 3ajeeeb

عيدكم مبارك

20 التعليقات
عيدكم مبارك
تقبل الله طاعتكم و كل عام و انتو بخير
بوست العيد coming soon
...

enjoy ur time, make the best of it, zip up the past & start fresh
give 'em a chance & try 2 embrace 'em as they are
get 2 know 'em again
Eid is the right time 2 do it
forgive & put everything behind ur back
remember life is too short to spend it away from those u love
call ur friends, go 2 ur family gathering & enjoy every moment of this Eid

Nearly Over

8 التعليقات
Ramadan is nearly over now, just a few days & we'll say our goodbyes 2 the holly month of Ramadan, meaning it's 3eed time so Yay.. I'm not so excited abt it as usual though.. I feel as if I', not ready , not yet..
it's been abt a year now, I wonder how his Sis, mum & dad r feeling & what abt his little bro .. do they still miss him? do they still wiSh this whole thing was just one bad nightmare? Questions that'll never B answered. Allah Yer7emek o yejma3hom feek bel.janna.

This years open is kindda weird, I dunno is it bcuz it started bel.3aShe el.awa5er, or is it all the other things... No henin, no serena in the ladies draw.. I hate it when they're not around cuz it kindda narrows my options.. & Andy, my Andy, lost in the 2nd round.. 4 the 1st time in him career.. it was very awful seeing him so helpless.. that mono really got him bad.. I loved the way he faught though.. he gave it a fight.. that's my boy
believe it or not till now, the 2nd week, I only watched a few matches.. u can count 'em on ur fingers actually .. one hand would B enough lol.. never did that.. never ever.. I think I need a big match .. a match that would excite me.. I need some good competitive tennis.. MayB a Feddy Vs. Rafa final.. that would B just great =]


على الهامش:

تَضَعُ أَصابِعَ يَديها الصغيرتين في أُذنها و تمشي بسرعه مبتعده عن تلك الأصوات
تتجه نحو الظلام.. حيث لا يجدها احد
و كما كانت تقعل قبل 10 سنوات حين تفزع
فإنها تجلس في الزاويه ...ترتجف من رأسها حتى اخمص قدميها، هذه المرة بشعور مختلف
يتراوح بين الغضب و الآسى
تضم ركبتيها لصدرها و تحيط يديها برجليها  لعلها تهدأ
تبكي و تبكي و تبكي.. تبكي من القلب و بحرقة
تبكي لانها تعلم بانه الآن يتألم .. و قلبة ينزف
و قلبها هي... ما هو الا قطعة من قلبه
تبكي بصمت و تقول: اللهم اشرح صدره.. اللهم اشرح صدره

Hope & Gergai3an

14 التعليقات

hello everyone
it's gergai3an time =p & I so want 2 agarge3 bs appearently, not gonna happen =[ cuz it's during the middle of the week, so no zwara & there's no1 I can go agarge3 with =[
I'm thinking, mayB next year =p
last time garga3t is abt 2 yrs ago, it was so much fun with the kids, the funny thing is that we went with an army of maids lol, we were 5 kids & abt 7 or 8 maids.. la o mum still 5ayfa 3laina o every 5 minutes she calls us lol . Moreover, 45 minutes later, my uncle calls me o says "yalla come back" & I'm like Noooo nabi ngarge3 b3ad, the kids walk slowly o ma garga3na wayed =[. eventually we went back , I tried to stall them bs mako fayda
it was fun though, we had a great time


Happy Gergai3an everyone =p
.....

I'm nearly done with the blue scarf, Yay =] gonna post some pics InShallah when I'm done
& yeah I made dessert 4 my Bro's, teh easiest dessert in the world & their Fav.. aShwa they liked it
here are some pics =]




Thoughts

10 التعليقات
aaaaaaaah I love Ramadan, don't u all love it =D ?
it's the gatherings I don't like lol.. el7emdellah I managed to survive 'em.. I played o talked to the kids most of the time.. I swear their more fun 2 B around, especially when they start tellin' stories abt dinasors 7 animals.. they're so funny.. walla when they pause for pics.. 7lat.hom.. not all of 'em of course
kids R now my friends & I'm as they said their beloved friend, how cool is that, they're head over heels abt me

remember when I said I don't wanna cook, now I want to lol.. we'll see how things go, I might cook, might
......

when ever I'm pissed off, disappointed, or just sad, I write stuff on a piece of paper or as a note in my mob
here's some of Hope's thoughts in the past few months
p.s. these are all behind me now =] el7emdellah


"My future is on the stake
I'm not feeling Good abt this aaah I don't wanna lose no battle nor war
My heart is too weak & fragile. I can't handle another loss
I can't & I don't want 2... My heart aches so bad right now ='("


"My feelings do not lie.
Indeed I LOSE ='("


"I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
Don't wanna do any more tests"

------

I promised the beautiful 5/4 to show her what I've been knitting. So, I've been working on a hot pink scarf.. but now I stopped, 5la9 I'm not gonna finiSh it.. I'll do sth blue.. a9lan what was I thinking when I used a hot pink yarn ??

now I'll leave u with some pics



blue a7la =p

a cake I made abt a week ago
3ajeeba, bs a lil piece is enough cuz thegeeelaaaaa

مـبـارك عـلـيـكـم الـشـهـر

24 التعليقات
Salaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam everyone =p
can't wait 4 Ramadan 2 come =] I love it .. the spirit, 3eed preps & everything.. I LOVE it
3ad this Ramadan I'm not gonna cook, 5la9 I don't feel like it.. mayB I'll bake a cake for a friend,, no real cooking though.. I'm always disappointed with the end result.. everyone likes it except 4 me .. it's never the way I think it would B =S
U knwo what I love abt Ramadan... fasting .. see I don't like food, I think that we should only eat when we're hungry or really really craving sth.. so I only eat 2 survive.. it's not my fav hobby =p so I'm happy cuz then nobody is gonna go like "eat eat eat.. Y don't u eat? U should eat.."

& it's tennis time again... GoSh I miss good matches, Rafa, Andy, Nole, & Roger of course
Roger's cup should B fun 2 watch.. but I can't wait 4 teh USO aaaaaaah I want an American to win this time, I have a specific one in mind =p walla it would B just amazing if things turned out the way I want 'em 2 B

anyhow, I have a lot 2 say & some pics 2 share with u, but 4 now all I have 2 say is:

مبارك عليكم الشهر
كل عام و انتو بخير
و عساكم من عواده

لـَـن نـَـنسـى الذكـرى العشـرين

14 التعليقات
2-8-1990
ننسى؟ مستحيل
نسامح؟ ممكن بس صعبه وايد

ننسى الغدر؟ ننسى الخيانة؟ لا والله ما ننسى
بالغزو الكويت انجرحت جرح عمره ما يطيب ..
جرح ترك ندبه و علامه و ذكرى راح تظل لأبد الآبدين

كل ما اشوف هالفيديو تخنقني العبره
الله يرحمه .. الله يرحمه
ماتخيل في احد بالعالم يحب ديرته كثر ما بابا جابر حب الكويت
مافي اغلى من دموعك يا يبه


....

it has been 20 yrs, & it still hurts ..

I was born during the Iraqi invasion.. I was too young 2 feel the pain, too young to feel it & suffer
I've only heard stories, watched videos & saw some pics .. & it really hurts.. it hurts so bad.. I can't imagin how everyone felt back then .. I dunno how it feels 2 B betrayed like that, stabbed in the back
aaaaaaaaah it makes me mad, it makes me angry.. how could they?? what kind of ppl are they?? the things they've done r just so unbelievable.. how can all of this happen to a human on the hand of another

The only explanation I managed 2 reach is that they are unhuman. They are monsters.
plz I don't anybody 2 ask me not 2 generalize .. I will if I want to.. but I won't but c'mon those were the vast majority.. don't try to convince me that all of these soliders did it only bcuz they had to
NO, NO.. & if u say so then what abt the torture & everything.. no human can do that if it want their own wiShes .. Nobody.

they killed they tortured, they rapped, they burnt, they sabatagged
can u imagin?? they killed kids, young men & ladies, old ppl
& don't tell me it's war & u can do everything.. they started it.. they are the ones who infringed on the property of others without having the right

I'm so mad & I don't think I'll ever B able 2 4give 'em
every time I think abt this.. I feel violated ='(
it feels so bad
...

Thank God we got out country back.. Thank God a million time =]

Me & The Holiday

8 التعليقات
what do I love the most abt me ? I want = I get
this still is the case, well, most of the times & it makes me more than happy
so, how do I do it ?

1- I want.
2- I think.
3- I plan.
4- I do.
5- I get.
=]

I've got some good news!! I got my Arabic back.. I'm back.. gradually improving..
& I'm knitting again.. I thought let's give it a try, I did & it worked, I remembered everything =D
I'm happy

****

a couple of days ago we celebrated the birthday of my dear Pinkya. I can't believe she's 20 already, 9arat 3ayooz =p
we had lunch 2gether & then surprised her, she was so surprised.. that was amazing
we had so much fun & we shall do it again
love u pinkya


the gift wrapped & ready

Candles ready
Card ready 

****

هــمســه:
آللـهـم إني تحت رحمتــك , فـ ارحمنــي بـ فضلـك
آللـهـم أَسبـغ عليّ بـ لبـآس آلصحـه وآلعآفيـه
واحفظنـي لــ وآلـديّ وأَحبـتــي

I confess...

4 التعليقات
Ghalya Al-Dhafiri started her "I Confess..." campaign to help people. I thought abt it & I think its a wonderful idea. So, in this post Hope is gonna confess..
now I stand before u all, vulnerable, with what I carry deep in my heart exposed

enjoy...


I confess...
I love my dad more than my mum. this issue have been bothering me 4 quite a long time. As a child I just couldn't understand it, how come I love him more than her? Y am I not like everyone else.. now that I think abt it I realize that I'll never love anyone the way I love my dad.. Never.. & I love my mum, I love her.. in a different way.. yes we don't agree on much, yes, we have different personality.. but I love her & I always will.. I love her so much but I can't show it with hugs & kisses & so on.. I love her & I do show my love by other simple means ;p.. now I know it's not abt how much u love someone .. it's abt how u love him


I confess...
I can act like a 5 yr old child, believe it or not.. &  I do actually, not so often but I'm such a de3la kid when I do.. I can get angry & even cry bcuz some one ate my chocolate or ice-cream.. I so very much hate it when they do this.. ya3ni I barely find sth that I like & especially when it comes 2 food & eating & they go do this .. not good not good..
I confess...
I can forgive very easily.. forgiveness is not an issue 4 me.. it happens naturally, it's the forgeting part that I have no grip on.. I might forgive.. but I find it very difficult 2 forget


I confess...
though I try as hard as I can not 2 compliment ppl, I just can be like this all the time .. I can't, uff I'm too sweet.. I always say faShla o 3aib.. I so wanna B strict & just do things for me 'n never compliment ppl ever again on my own expense.. that my next mission


I confess...
the 1st time I wore my glasses, I didn't sob & cry bcuz I had a horrible heaache. That was a lie, I cried for my loss =[.. I cried cuz I'll no more wake up & see teh world the way I always did =[

I Survived

8 التعليقات
e.Salam 3laikom everyone

Yes I'm alive. Yes, I survived =]

it has been a week since my summer holiday started, it's feels weird, but I love it, after all it's summer =]
I actually wrote 2 come back posts, but chose not 2 post 'em. A sad one, & another one that I chose not 2 complete. I don't want my come back post 2 B a sad or angry one. I'm not satisfied with pretty much everything going on in my life, I'm sick & I dunno what's wrong with me .. lots of tests.. & I dunno
so, since my summer holiday started, I've been to the doc's abt 4 times, 3 blood tests & one more to come next week, bs ell7emdellah 3la kel 7al. I really wanna know what's wrong, I wanna fix it.

one thing I hate abt being sick, beside not knowing what exactly is wrong with me, is having to go through those awful blood tests.. I just hate it, it hurts so much =[ & no body seems to understand.. cuz YEAH when it comes 2 needles & shots "I am a chicken" it really hurts u know, I'm not exagerating or sth like that..

..

despite the pain, despite the sorrow & all of the bad feelings.. one msg.. a few letters that make a word.. & a few words that make a sentence .. this is what it takes 2 make me happy
Cousin.. I'm so very proud of u.. Baya'9teha, & u didn't let me down
Congrats cousin.. & I love u

..

4 so long now I've been looking 4 the missing part of the picture, now.. 2day I think I found it

these pics R taken from my note 2 yrs ago .. now I know what's missing




I need to believe in myself again.. I need to do this
& I need to do the things I love ..

Coma..

18 التعليقات
I feel like my Soul is in a coma
I need some time OFF.I need a break .. a break of everything .. even me
I'm so tired .. I can not function properly. I need to breathe some FreSh air .. I need solitude. I need some loneliness .. just me
me, myself & I


cuz the presence of PPl is somehow hurting me
scrating my weary soul .. rasing "hope" in me

I don't understand ppl.. the way they act really makes me feel uncomfortable & make me doubt the presence of those who understand me.. what's wrong with behaving, what's wrong with being nice to ppl
is it so hard to wish ppl what u wish for urslef? is it that hard?

it's really disappointing when u see ppl act in a way that doesn't suit their position. those R a minority, 'n their behaviours r supposed to match their postitions, yet u always find those silly ones here 'n there, those who don't have the lowest ethical standards to fill any job in the society.. I wonder what kind of ppl will they B in the future

I'll B away 4 a while, but I'll post every now & then, if I get the time 2 =]


....

سئمت الناس و تفاهاتهم
سئمت نظراتهم.. افكارهم و عقولهم الصغيره
كل ما اريده الآن هو ان اختلي بنفسي
في احدى زوايا هذه الدنيا الكبيره ..
في مكان بعيد جداً..

اشعر بأنني تائهه في هذا العالم
لا افهم الناس.. تصرفاتهم السخيفه

قررت البحث عن عالم يحتويني
فانا اريد ان اعيش في عالم مختلف.. عالم ليس كهذا الذي اعيش فيه اليوم في شيء
عالم خالي من الكذب و الاقنعة.. عالم مبني على الصدق و  الاخلاق
عالم لا اكون فيه غريبه.. عالم انتمي اليه
و يبقى السؤال.. هل سأجد هذا العالم يوماً ؟

الـيـوم.. أقسـمـت

14 التعليقات
اليوم..

قبل ساعاتٍ مضت
أقسمت


أقسمت اليوم بلساني و عقلي و قلبي
و قبل كل شيءعاهدت نفسي بأن هذا القسم سيكون معي في كل لحظة
و قبل اتخاذ اي قرار.. كبيراً كان أم صغير
سأستحضر لحظة القسم و كلماته و ما فيه من معانِ



اليوم
قال الوزير و رددنا من بعده
قلت بلساني و عقلي و قلبي و كل جوارحي :


اقَسِمُ باللهِ العَظِيمْ

أن أراقبَ اللّه في مِهنَتِي. وأن أصُونَ حياة الإنسان في كافّةِ أدوَارهَا. في كل الظروف والأحَوال بَاذِلاً وسْعِي في استنقاذها مِن الهَلاكِ والمرَضِ والألَم والقَلق . وأن أَحفَظ لِلنّاسِ كَرَامَتهُم ، وأسْتر عَوْرَتهُم ، وأكتمَ سِرَّهُمْ . وأن أكونَ عَلى الدوَام من وسائِل رحمة الله ، باذلا رِعَايََتي الطبية للقريب والبعيد ، للصالح والخاطئ ، والصديق والعدو . وأن أثابر على طلب العلم ، أُسَخِره لنفعِ الإنسَان ... لا لأذَاه. وأن أُوَقّرَ مَن عَلَّمَني ، وأُعَلّمَ مَن يَصْغرَني ، وأكون أخاً لِكُلِّ زَميلٍفي المِهنَةِ الطُبّيّة مُتعَاونِينَ عَلى البرِّ والتقوى. وأن تكون حياتي مِصْدَاق إيمَاني في سِرّي وَعَلانيَتي ، نَقيّةً مِمّا يُشينهَا تجَاهَ الله وَرَسُولِهِ وَالمؤمِنين .


والله على ما أقول شهيد


. . . . .

الله يقدرني على اني احافظ على قسمي و اصون عهدي


نـبـضـات قـلـب..

14 التعليقات
الأحد، الرابع عشر من مارس 2010
يومٌ للتاريخ

.
.
.

حصلت عليها اليوم.. سماعتي السوداء

حصلتُ عليها اليوم
و كان اولَ صوتٍ اسمعه فيها...

نبضاتُ قلب..
امرٌ بديهي؟
نعم، لكنني اليوم استمعتُ لشيءٍ من نوعٍ آخر
صوتُ نبضاتِ قلبٍ لا تشبه صوتَ القلوبِ في هذهِ الدنيا في شيءٍ سوى كونها اصواتَ قلبِ بشر

صوتٌ مختلف 
و نبضات قلبٍ احبهُ بصدق
نبضاتُ قلبٍ كبيرٍ يخفقُ بالحبِ و العطاء
نبضاتُ قلب وقعتُ في حبهِ منذ تسعةَ عشرَ عاماً
نبضاتُ قلبٍ احببتهُ و احبهُ و سأحبهُ دوماً

.
.
.

باختصار... كانت نبضاتَ قلبِ مُحِب

Roller Coaster.. Again

10 التعليقات
I'm literally burried under a pile of notes.. micro, psycho, patho, & pharma.. I barely get some time to take a deep breath.. my mind is so very busy & overwhelmed =p
it feels like I'm riding a roller coaster, except that it never stops & it keeps going. I'm very much enjoying my psychology course, it's really interesting. Who knew human mind is so complicated!!? Sub7an Allah

.
.
.

I look at old photos of me.. & then I take a look at the mirror
I don't look like the same person

& then that other day, a friend saw an old pic of me & she went: "sth look different, sth is different, is it the make up? I can't tell"
it took me a while 2 realize the difference



back the I was happy...
I was satisfied

.
.
.

at some points of my life I was the


cutest little girl
kid who's always crying
 nerd
 best
#1


& now.. I dunno.. & I really hate it when I don't know
I used 2 B the girl who says I want.. I know..
now I'm sortta like I feel.. I think
[am I thinking too much ?] that's the Q

Well,
I wanna B the best again =p
I'm working on it & I'll very soon do it InShallah =]

.
.
.


as time goes by, the one lesson I haven't failed to learn was loving you
I'm a perfectionist & u're just so very perfect.. we match =p
I love how much u care, I love that I can tell u abt everything
u're so good to the extent that makes me think that u're from another world
u keep on proving that u're the best daddy in the world
I love u.. my role model.. my man.. my one & only


am I the tiniest person on planet earth or what?
one of my winter coats is supposed 2 fit a kid at age 11.. Guess what! I'm 19 yrs old & it fits perfectly =p

for so long I've been drinking milk pretty much daily on school days *btw: I never loved milk.. ma7ebaaaaah*.. I'm doing my best but it seems that I'm destined 2 B the shortest person in the house =[

وطــــن الــنــهــار

16 التعليقات

كل عام و انتي بخير يا اغلى حبيبة
الله يحفظ ديرتنا من كل شر و يديم علينا الفرح و السعاده

I'm Sorry My Friend, I Never Asked

4 التعليقات
if I still remember right, in a few days it's gonna be two years since this happened.
Two Years
& I, myself, can't talk abt it .. I can't bring it up & I can't think abt it without my eyes tearing up
What about you? How are you? Are you good ? May I ask?
I need to know that you're good, but I just can't ask. I can't bear breaking your heart & making you relive the tragedy. I can't do that.

Do you still miss him?
I sure do miss you =[


I miss that special thing about you. I miss your beautiful childish smile.
I miss the sparkle I saw in your eyes everytime you talked about him.

Do you still cry yourself to sleep?
Do you still sleep hugging his deshdasha.. inhaling his scent as it's your oxygen?


And if I may ask, how does it feel like to be living, but not really living?
being trapped inside a body with no heart or even mind, just you & a ghost of your so called heart, that poor little agonized heart.


Do u still fake a smile everytime someone tells a joke?
Do you still blame yourself? do you still think "what if"?

it have been two years now
how did you manage to survive? how does it feel without him?
& from the inside .. deep in your heart .. are you still alive? Are u, my friend?
My friend, if I told you I understand how you felt then I would be lying to your face, because I don't know how it feels & I don't ever wanna know.
Because I,like you my friend, am daddy's little girl.


& I can't ask "how are you?" or "How is your life going without him?"
because I know it will break your heart & mine if I do =[


Forgive me, my dear friend, for I never asked. Forgive me, for I may never do.
I know he meant everything to you.. I know you loved him more than anything in this world.. I know no words of condolence will ever be enough.. I know no words can describe your loss.
but there's nothing that you can do, nor something that you could've done to prevent this. This is how things were meant to be.
You can cry your heart out, you can give up & choose not to live. Nevertheless, non of this will bring him back. And everytime you ask yourself "Will he ever come back?", you'll get the same answer.. the one your little brother heard when he told your mum that he would give all of his toys to Allah just to get daddy back. You'll hear the same answer all over again, again & again
he's gone & that is a fact. But you should never forget that he's alive inside of you.. in what's left of your heart, his kingdom.


one last thing I have to say
ياعساه في جنه الخلد مرتاح  

Lately ..

14 التعليقات
I haven't been myself lately. I've done things I don't usually do.. it was fun .. 4 a while, but then it didn't feel like me.. I've been so busy this past week.. I didn't even have time to miss the AO .. I usually miss it like hell the next day.. But this time I didn't get the time 2 do so

I did miss seeing Rafa holding the trophy & Andy fighting for his 2ns Slam ..but GoSh!! feddy is just too good .. one day after another he proves he's the greatest, the best .. not only is he a great player but also a great humanitarian .. such a good guy .. but I'll never cheer 4 him =p
& Andy ... the other Andy .. oh he broke my heart .. his emotional runner-up speech .. his faltering voice.. blinking away the tears.. it all shows how much he loves the game & that he really cares abt his fans .. Andy, u got urself a new fan =]

the holiday is coming 2 an end & I hate it =[ I love holidays more than any human being on the planet & I always get a short one .. this is so not fair .. I just have one week left & it's so not enough.. I want more, much much more .. the good thing is that I'm gonna get to watch some more tennis this coming week

many B-Days coming up this month & we have a wedding coming up ... I don't feel like going, there's a chance that I might feel bored & this is not sth I want, so I might just skip & Im sure I'll have a very good reason ..

Some PPl find me too dreamy cuz I always wanna have time to meditate .. look at the sky.. stare at the clouds.. enjoy the cool breeze.. this is the way I usually start my day. One other thing they find really funny is that I don't risk going 2 places where I might get bored or feel sad .. I don't take risks, I usually go with the odds.. I'll always find sth more interesting .. I guess this makes me a realistic person rather than a dreamy one =p

I wanna make some double chocolate muffins but my brothers want a chocolate cake that I've made two times this past week .. I'm not gonna make it 4 them .. I wanna do sth different =p
 
.
.
 
Snap Shots
 
this one drives the boys crazy =p
 

these 2 they call 'em the ice cream cakes =p

I felt Nothing

2 التعليقات

I usually tend to have some sort of a bad feeling when my boys lose ... & the 2 losing at the same day & the same round, certainly, doesn't make things any easier.

2day the two lost .. & I felt nothing

NOTHING

dunno .. is it that they didn't disappoint me .. dunno

What makes me feel really awful is when they lose, & I miss the match .. it makes me feel guilty though sometimes it's out of my hands .. crazy !!?? maybe .. anyhow, that was the case today .. just got 2 watch a couple of games .. follow the score online 4 a while .. but then I wasn't there

& I wasn't worried, anxious, or whatever. I had a very funny feeling .. like I was too confident that he would win or he would lose this one .. it's weird I don't even know what I felt ..

it was when I knew exactly what happened .. it was then when I felt bad ..


but I'm still proud of 'em .. both of 'em
I know they gave it their best .. they R fighters & not quitters
Hats off 2 Andy, Rafa, & their opponents


Once more I'll say what I usually say at these times ...
Andy .. they're one place where u'll always B the winner, now & 4 ever, u & no other .. & that is the hearts of ur fans
.
.
u know!! my brothers always criticize my choice of players .. they think I usually go 4 losers & I really can't see that!!
I go 4 fighters [full stop]
I definitely don't c myself cheering 4 someone like federer .. it would've made things much easier & probably happier 4 me, yeah, definitely, but it just doesn't seem right 2 me.. a superb player, without a doubt.. just not my type.. I usually go 4 the American, who in this case is Roddick since no Agassi is there any more .. & we have our good times .. not many but they're really GOOD

& even if my boys never win a single match from 2day on, I'll still B their fan .. for ever I will B... it's not just a matter of loyalty .. I just can't not B there just bcuz ppl think they're loser or underachievers .. the ways I see it, they're not.. they are MY champions & they always will B
.
.
KK I'm in a big trouble now
for the 1st time since I don't know when, I don't have a player 2 cheer 4 in the mens semi =s
I might eventually cheer 4 Marin or the other Andy

what have I been up to ?

8 التعليقات

Hi everyone,

I disappeared again =p
had a lot of things 2 do .. really a lot

U might B wondering what have I been up to ?!

well, 4 a starter I made a big move ... I attended a melcha party lol ..I had to go, it was my cousin's .. I know, so not like me ... but guess what!! I dressed like a young lady & I went , who knew this young lady was wandering around in the morgue .. between cadavers, 4 hours ago =p  ... so, at the beginning it felt so weird lol it really was .. then just when I started 2 settle, things started 2 get really annoying & once more I realized I really am not the party kind of girls

so, a lot of studying & exams.. gosh I hate exams ..& what's even worse is getting sick when u have exams
we really rarely appreciate teh gift of health till we lose it for a while, ahhhh I hate being sick .. it's tough.. physically & so tiring mentally 
Thank God... this is all behind me now
I'm done with my finals, ironically, I start my 2nd semester next week lol ... Yeah my life is a joke

here's what I have 4 this holiday .. 1st of all, I decided to give driving a 2nd chance .. we'll c how things go... I'm gonna read some books .. looking froward to this cuz I really wanna read some book, I'm interested in every word of this one ... I wanna exercise .. a lot a lot a lot .. gotta get fit ... Finally, it's tennis time now .. so it's my time .. tennis makes me HAPPY =] 



I miss u Peace
& I miss my peace of mind